Silver Linings & Happily Ever Afters

In the last six months, whilst the world has gone into meltdown, my marriage has ended. It is painful for everyone and it is also deeply private. Something that is an alien concept for me as the queen of the overshare. The circumstances around it all are not for this article, or, indeed, any other. The story is not just mine. It is my husband’s story, our children’s story and also that of our extended families. There are many, many tears in the story. And many more to come, no doubt. But there is a lot of love there. However, fractious and complicated, there is so much love.

Lockdown has been tough on the world and as a family, it has been probably one of the worst times in our lives. Positivity in a time of disease and death, divides in race, hatred and segregation, doesn’t always come so easy, especially when life doesn’t happen as you planned.

The Plan ™️. It always makes me laugh. We live our lives with these scripts to follow; ideas of who we should be and what we should do and what adds value and what doesn’t. We give ourselves arbitrary deadlines, based, in the main, on declining fertility. When it comes to following The Plan™️, my own script got a bit dog-earred, then I accidentally dropped it down a well, where a fish swallowed it, swam out to sea and shat it out on the seabed in microscopic fish faeces. So I really hope The Actual Plan™️ doesn’t really exist and we are all just making this shit up as we go along, else I’m up the creek without a paddle.

For all the drudgery, there is a part of me that deep down believes, somehow, everything will be fine. I don’t believe in “Happily Ever After” but I believe in some kind of resolution that means everything will be ok. I have my moments of panic and desperation, when I worry frantically about my current situation and about the future. Sometimes I wonder how I’m ever going to get through this, how our family will. But thing is, I’m sentimental and romantic (much to my own chagrin). I believe that things do come good, so I reckon it will be fine. It might not be The Actual Plan™️, or even a rough sketch of a kind of plan that a three year old scribbled. The plan might not stretch beyond Wednesday, but it will work out.

I watched the Bradley Cooper movie ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ recently. I loved the chaos between the complicated characters. I love that they weren’t always likeable or in control. It is completely unlike my life but there were elements to which I related. In the end, there is a life on the other side of that for them and I love that. I love that so fucking much.

The angry feminist in me is furious with myself for buying into that saccharine soppiness. There is no Happily Ever After, “into the sunset” kind of crap. Pick your sorry ass up, take responsibility for where you are, own your life choices because no one is coming to save you. Not a knight in shining armour, not a superhero, not even a mentally ill Bradley Cooper. And it’s so bad for girls to be fed the idea that they need saving. It is so unhealthy and so factually incorrect to believe that having ‘Mr Right’ is all that gives you value or validity. Or even to believe that having ‘Mr Right Now’ is all that matters.

Be your own Mrs/Mr Right. You should take control of your own destiny because ultimately you have choices. Even small ones. Some choices require careful consideration, a great deal of pain and a big barrel full of bravery. Others are small, simple and can lead to some kind of serendipity. But all anyone can do is make their choices as best they can. Choosing to feign letters from your love interest’s estrange wife probably isn’t always a good choice (not one of my personal choices, it’s the movie) but have faith that even when you make shitty choices, you can get through things. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have a friend or loved one to support you.

It’s not easy making shit into sugar and in many, many situations it feels impossible. Especially for those in far worse situations than me, with fewer life chances and bigger obstacles to overcome. I know that despite my current circumstances, I am so very lucky.

I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic. I’m probably not going to end up (*SPOILER ALERT*) snogging Bradley Cooper in the street. I’d rather snog Greg Davies anyway. But I have a strong support network and even on the days when it is unbearable, I am scraping through. We manage to wake up, feed the kids, give them love (and the finger behind their backs when they are being arseholes) and we all go to bed having completed another level of Lock-down Madness (if only this was a video game). That is a massive achievement these days. It’s the small wins that count.

I know loads of people are struggling and I can’t promise you’ll hook up with Jennifer Lawrence or Bradley Cooper. But please have faith in a happier ending. Not a happily ever after but a happier resolution. A life on the other side. Because that’s what I’m aiming for. That’s the soppiness I’m buying into. Not the snogging Bradley Cooper soppiness. (I’m way past that kind of stuff. Eww)

At the end of Fleabag (a much more feminist- friendly comedy drama), when the man she loves chooses God over her, she manages to walk away with a look and a wave that says “I’m hurting but I will be ok.” She will. And I will and the kids will and our family will. There is a lot of love. I’ve got this. You’ve got this. They aren’t always visible but for most of us at least, we can probably find a hint of a silver lining if we breathe into it. Even if it is more grey than silver.