Do you ever have that feeling of deep, all consuming dread? That heavy feeling in your gut that something is off? But when does this go from genuine instinct, designed to protect you, to catastrophising, due to chronic overthinking?
Now, I love a good overthink. It’s my thing. Some people can sing, some people can run marathons sub 3 hours; I can overthink. So when everything seems like a red flag, how do we separate irrational fear from intuition? Decision making and life choices are complex. Everything is a leap of faith. Do I quit my job? Do I buy that house? Do I go on that date? And without risk, there is no reward.
However, never in my life have I been more aware of the danger in the world. Perhaps it is an age thing. Perhaps becoming a parent. The perils of a paedophile-ridden internet, which is increasingly difficult to protect my pre-teen sons from. Terrorism. Financial uncertainty. It’s scary. And never before have I been so terrified of men.
I know a lot of men. I like a lot of men. Some I completely adore. My brother and my stepdad are top of the list. A collection of straight, white cis males have been some of my closest friends for over 15 years. I know that should I need, they would look after me (Shout out to Mr M, who called me when my marriage ended to check I was ok and to see if he needed to beat anyone up. You are a diamond). Even the four men I have had long term relationships with were complete gents, who never did me any harm. Hell, I even birthed two men. So I know it is “Not All Men.”
But the statistics aren’t great. On average a woman is killed by a man every 2.6 days. (source: The Guardian, March 2023) According to Rape Crisis England and Wales, 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted in adulthood, compared to 1 in 18 men. That is 6.54 million women and 1.34 million men in the UK. As someone who has started dating, that’s some scary shit. Especially when we consider that 5 in 6 women who are raped don’t report it due to embarrassment and humiliation (For balance, 4 in 5 men don’t report being raped) so the true extent of this is scarier.
Every time I am asked on a date, I go through several panics:
• Does he genuinely like me or is he taking the mick and laughing at me?
• Is he a top shagger who is playing me?
• Is he a total loser?
• And finally… is he going to rape and murder me?
Whilst I have no doubt that questions 1 to 3 are things that cross the minds of men, I am certain that number 4 rarely, if ever, crosses their mind.
A lot of men I talk to joke they aren’t a murderer. I always reply “exactly what a murderer would say” and we laugh. But I am not really kidding.
The truth is, I don’t know when it is obsessive rumination and when it is actual instinct. Six out of 7 rapes are carried out by someone a woman knows. Trusting someone with your heart is frightening enough. Trusting almost anyone with your safety feels petrifying.
Trust is a gift and you have to give a smidge at first or you will never find love. But guarding your heart and your safety is essential. Some tips for safe dates
• Tell people where you are going and text when you can throughout.
• Have a distress signal agreed
• Let them know when you are heading home and how long you should be.
• Text when you get home
• Keep it public, in a well lit area
• Do not tell anyone where you live
• Do not get into anyone’s car
• Keep an eye on your drink
• If you are really worried, DO NOT GO
The last I struggle with. Does a couple of pink flags add up to one big red flag? Is that flag even pink? Is it red? Am I completely colour blind? Some men might seem shady but what if it is just awkwardness? How do I know I am not missing out on the love of my life? How do I know that Mr Gentle and Mr Charming aren’t Mr Going To Cause You Harm?
I honestly do not know. Just in the same way I do not know if this guy likes me, if he is a general wrong un or a top shagger who is going to break my heart.
The only thing I can think of is, if you feel really bad, and none of steps 1 to 8 reassure you, please do not go. You owe him nothing. Even if he has paid for tickets or an activity in advance. There is not necessarily such thing as “The One” and another one will just come up, I am sure. Maintain your boundaries. Thank You, Next.
Finally, Men Folk. You have just as much responsibility. Don’t joke you aren’t a murderer. Just reassure someone they are safe. Take a girl somewhere public. Be led by her. Do not push boundaries. Unless it is a hell yes, it is a hell no. Ask before you kiss her. There is no shame in being knocked back. Be a gentleman. Treat her as you would want your daughter treated.
I know it is Not All Men. I know dating can be and is fun. I know this seems like doom and gloom when love is wonderful. And I DO NOT HATE MEN. But girls, just go with your gut. Stay safe and report ANYTHING that is not ok.
(If you need help in the UK, please call Rape Crisis Line: 0808 500 2222)
The Jeminist 