I’m starting a new self help group. It’s called Overthinkers Anonymous. It’s a place where you can all come and deposit your crazy, safely. I will store it all in a vault, free from judgement, but in good company.
It will be a zoo, full of the strangest, most psychedelic thoughts from the very darkest chasms of your mind, pacing backwards and forwards like depressed jaguars. Whirling, wacky, backflipping bonkers ponderings. A menagerie of the weird, the wonderful and the goddamn insane.
I don’t mean criminally insane. This isn’t that kind of group. The odd intrusive thought is fine. Things like pushing that horrible kid off a swing, or launching your aunty’s arsehole of a cat out the second floor window. Those intrusive thoughts are cool. But this isn’t the place for actual murderous/violent/evil intent.
I’m talking about ruminating over that time you said ‘cunt’ in front of your girlfriend’s nan and now the whole family think you are the cunt and want you dead.
Or obsessing about the fact your new dalliance has put a smiley emoji in response to you saying you want to see them again, indicating they aren’t interested and wish you’d fuck off but they can’t be arsed telling you because that’s effort you aren’t worth and now you will die alone. Just you and your cats and your tena lady.
It could possibly be overthinking the time Brenda from reception said she liked your blouse. What she meant was ‘you look fat and haggard and the best thing about that frumpy, baggy blouse is it covers your gunt.’ And she hates you. In fact, everyone in the business fucking hates you.
We can even talk about when your mate cancelled dinner on you because their babysitter let them down but really they just can’t stand you. None of your mates can stand you, you silly twat. This is what OTA is for. Please. Pull up a seat. Join me. We are judgement free.
Recently, I discovered that some people don’t have a voice in their head telling them they are dog shit 500 times a day. Some people have a quiet brain. They live in the moment. They don’t constantly run through a series of insolvable and completely made up equations about social situations that are unlikely to occur. Now that shit blows my mind. WHO LIVES LIKE THAT?!
Imagine just going about your day and not being concerned about when, what or how anything you did has affected the world. Imagine not being worried about international events you have no control over. What do you people do with your time? Why aren’t you worried about the Iran/Israel conflict? Why aren’t you thinking about how many endangered whales there are in the world? Why aren’t you concerned about how tall Jesus was? What do you do at 3am, when you have to be up at 5.30am to be in the office for 7? Which you never make because you always press snooze, despite being awake for hours before. Why are you not worried you haven’t made that time up sufficiently so you work an extra 2 hours a couple of times a week in case you get sacked? What is wrong with you?!
I feel like they need their own support group; “Normal People Anonymous.” Maybe they could run sessions on how to handle us OTs. It would go something like this:
“My name is Dave and I am a normal person.”
“Welcome, Dave. How long have you been a normal person?”
“All my life I think? But I’m 47 now and I’ve finally realised I am surrounded by lunatics.”
“We don’t use that language here, Dave, but we appreciate you being brave enough to share. Have you thought about ways you can handle overthinkers?”
“I’ve tried saying ‘chill out’, ‘don’t worry about it’ and ‘it must be exhausting being you’ but nothing seems to work.”
“They are good techniques, Dave but maybe it’s not quite direct enough? Sheila, I see you have your hand up, have you got any tips for Dave?”
“Well, I have, actually. My husband is a chronic OT and I have found that laughing at him and reminding him that absolutely no one gives a fuck about him is the best way.”
“Thanks for that, Sheila. Dave, does that help?”
“Yes, I think so. How about I try ‘are you kidding, you daft cow?’ as a starting point.”
“Perfect, Dave. I also find ‘have a day off’ can work. Thanks for coming today. Keep living in the now and sleeping at night.”
That meeting cannot be as fun as OTA. Without stories of sleepless nights and nearly crashing when turning right because you had a flashback of when you called your PE teacher ‘Dad’ in 1994, it is just dull.
So please. Bring unto me your crazy. Please spill your guts. Spew your insanity all over me. Come find your people in the safety of busy brains. Please come and share your stories. Simply to make me feel better. I am not the only frenzied, anxiety ridden OT in the universe, am I? Am I? AM I?
I think I better go to bed to overthink my overthinking. See you at 3 am. Just me, you, some busy brains and a Google search about what happened to acid rain. Please come… please… or do you hate me too?
The Jeminist 