It’s been about six months since I last dated. People have commented how incredibly boring I am now that I am not longer in the pursuit of a man who is intellectual, bearded, tattoo’d, Irish/Northern, traditionally good looking but not too good looking, with a dad bod and a passion for personal hygiene. Who enjoys stand up comedy and literature, is masculine but a feminist, age between 35 and 55. Oh and he must be gregarious but not arrogant, kind, gentle, affectionate and think I am amazing. He must be able to read my mind and take control but let me get my own way; give an opinion but understand I will never take his advice. A protector who grants me my independence and won’t judge my parking. In fact, he will just do it for me.
Before you all lose your minds about how fussy I am, THIS IS A JOKE. I would be perfectly happy with someone I connect with, with similar values and a sense of humour. A grown up. That is it. That’s the requirement.
I don’t really have a “type.” Apparently, everyone has a type but I genuinely don’t think I do. There is no consistency in height, body type or hair colour. I’ve had long haired indie boys and bald athletic types. If you have any knowledge of my dating history and disagree, please feel free to correct me.
I get that some people like blondes or brunettes, or rugby players or pretty boys. However, I can’t quite grasp where preferences end and fetishes begin.
Recently, my Instagram must have heard my friends’ calls for me to date. It has thrown up adverts for “Woo,” a dating service that describes itself as a “curvy dating app.” This is not a J-Lo/Beyonce, straight-sized curvy app. This is an app where men can meet plus size women. Women like me.
Taking aside the fact my algorithm has basically identified me as a fat lass, this advert makes me really uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because I watched a Channel 5 documentary on “BBWs” in about 1999, where men attended parties with the sole aim of sex with fat girls. It has scarred me for life. It was seedy and creepy and drenched in fetishisation.
Fetish versus kink, and whether either is a negative or simply an innate desire, is a whole different conversation and I don’t think I know enough about it. I understand that both terms appear pejorative and they may not necessarily be. But for the purpose of this discussion, we’ll focus on fetishes in terms of derogatory, debasing and dehumanising sexualisation.
Fat phobia is alive and well, even in the age of body positivity. I find it hard not to be offended when men say things in their bios like “I only like slim girls,” as if being over a size 14 is completely repugnant. Or men who bemoan a lack of full length picture, in case you happen to be secretly chubby, but blessed with a clear jaw line. Throughout my life I have felt laughed at and ridiculed by men because of my size. I have felt deeply unattractive for having the audacity to be outside the realms of societal beauty standards. I do understand that women – like all humans – need to feel safe and valid and, consequently, these sites allow for those in larger bodies to feel accepted and wanted. But this is where I get stuck.
I don’t really want to get bogged down by the politics of body image and health. Fundamentally, not your body, not your business, so fuck off. Everyone has the right to live in the body they have and not be abused for it. However, forcing larger women into an entirely separate dating space makes me uneasy. Is it not promoting this “otherness?” Creating more shame for larger women, who are getting the message loud and clear that they are not worthy of genuine desire? Are we not perpetuating a societal standard that leaves men, who genuinely like a bit more cushion for the pushin’, seem perverted? BBWs are a whole section on Porn Hub, with a vast array of subcategories- MILF, Step Sibling, Lesbian, Granny… Having your own locker in a wank bank feels shameful and abnormal. And what about people open to dating all body types? Finding bigger women attractive is actually ok. Why are we hiding away?
Larger girls are on Hinge, Tinder, Match, Bumble… You don’t need to look in niche corners of the internet if you like an extra handful. We exist in real life and the majority of the population of the UK are a size 16 or above. You probably sit next to a plus size hottie on the bus, on the train, in the pub, at work. You could ask them out?
The thought of going on an app based solely on a number on a scale makes me want to lose 6 stone. It doesn’t reassure me of anyone’s intentions. Scrolling through to check for the size of someone’s arse suggests you just want a shag, not a meaningful connection with someone with whom you can scroll through your phone on separate couches, watching a tv programme neither of you enjoy. (Romance in the 21st Century) Tell me you’re a fuck boy without telling me you’re a fuck boy: sign up to a dating app for bigger girls.
Despite correctly identifying me as a chubster, Woo Curvy Dating has not enticed me back into the dating arena. Size does not define anyone. Big or small. It is dehumanising to put people into these categories. Perhaps this is my lack of understanding. I struggle to understand where preferences end and fetishes begin so please educate me. I genuinely want to understand.
I will continue to be boring and opt out of dating. Maybe not permanently but I point blank refuse to ever date based on my BMI.
The Jeminist 